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User blog:THEJJRAT/Tales from the Ant Farm
1 http://scoot-labs.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:THEJJRAT/XD http://scoot-labs.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:THEJJRAT/K A Tale of Fieri Story One: The HyperBlaster (Note: Many of my comments were deleted when I was banned from the BF2 forum, so there may be gaps, though I have edited in some things to pad it out and have it make more sense.) But the Lore Crusader Remnants simply dispersed into Lore Crusader Fragments and began a journey to find the Antfarm's exit and escape madness, for they were too weak to fight the forces of madness. They picked up the few remaining Dragonborns along the way. The Dragonborns in question were..... Purplest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes, Comma the Spiderborn, Dragonman (Batman, but dragons, not bats.), and a red Argonian named BDG. (Some of you may remember her.) But they had terrible timing, as a galaxy-size fleet of Combine starships entered the Antfarm at that moment. They had recently taken over a universe inhabited solely by Shreks, Chuck Norrises, and Batmen, and turned them all into footsoldiers wielding shotguns that shot dark energy balls and tsar bombas with lightsaber katanas. They also had Cthulus in Darth Vader armor who swallowed entire galaxies with their left toes, and shot fried chicken out of their assholes. And an entire starship filled with anime girls, Combineified Space Marines, and enlisted members of the 501st Legion. They began firing upon the planets in the void of Oblivion, ready to enslave the blackexicans (if that's how its spelled, idk) and argonians. The Lore Crusader Fragments and the various Dragonborns watched from a safe distance while making their way to the place that the Combine had entered the Antfarm from. On the way there, however, the group encountered....... A giant plate of spaghetti. It was a planet of sorts, home to various species that were attracted to it. It was like it was calling to them, seducing the Crusaders with it's thick sauce and noodles like a siren. Unfortunately, the Lore Crusaders fell for it, and they abandoned the Dragonborns for the pasta planet. This was troubling, as without the Lore Crusaders, the Dragonborns couldn't travel through the Antfarm's remaining universes. They needed to come up with a plan to get the Crusaders back, and after several hours of thinking and resisting the pasta's influence, Comma the Spiderborn came up with the following course of action.. "We shall build a moat!" he roared. However, the spaceship they were in had nothing to fill the moat but baked beans, so this troubled them. Wait a minute... Baked beans, of course! This would be their salvation. Using the ships scanners, Dragonman determined that the pasta making up the "planet" would be ruined by the beans, thus freeing the people on it! And so the Dragonborns got to work building a giant moat-like bucket, which they filled with the beans. Using Comma's spider webs, BDG and Orangest swung the bucket over the pasta world, and once it was in position, Dragonman glared at it, causing the bucket to explode and spill it's contents all over the "planet". As the Dragonborns watched, the beans quickly took effect... However, the plate of spaghetti was smarter than it looked. It grew a mouth and swallowed the falling waterfall (beanerfall?) of beans, burping and shaking the universe. This filled them full of dread, their only hope of defeating the red-sauced menace gone. They then played spin the bottle, whoever the bottle landed on making a new plan involving hookers, blackjack, Warhammer 40k orcs, hentai, and meatballs. And clone troopers. And overcooked dtesk, which was a form of steak harvested from desks. And the winner is... ... ... ... DRAGONMAN! He frowns, then calls his sidekick, Wyvern, for support. The pair set to work formulating a plan while the others try Shouting at the plate of pasta from orbit. Suddenly, The Flying Lasagna Monster, a character from earlier in this story, asked the dragonborns what the flying juice box was going on. He had just woken from a billion year slumber, that included countless universe resets and such. They explained that the multiverse was being destroyed and that they were trying to escape the Antfarm and take up residence in another multiverse, if possible. However, first they needed to rescue their allies, the Lore Crusaders, from the Pasta Plate Planet below. They then asked if The Flying Lasagna Monster could help them with this task. He rubbed his lasagna beard and pondered this. "Yes, but for a price. You must give me all your powdered sugar, and I will steal all the hot girls, ramen, skooma, and onions from your new home and add them to my nutsack, which is bigger on the inside." he proposed. The Dragonborns were disturbed, but they decided they had no choice. However, as they were about to agree to TFLM's terms, Dragonman and Wyvern returned with their master plan and scared the sh!t out of BDG, who lept back in momentary terror and accidentally dropped her sword on TFLM, sharp side down. However, for some reason, the lasagna and the reddish-white substance suddenly collapsed into a wormhole as the Dragonborns were escaping. They were then teleported back to the ship, which had somehow survived. It soon became clear why, as there had never been a TFLM to begin with, as they would find out in a moment. At said moment, there was a loud BANG, and from the wormhole lept Evil Rice! (You may remember him from a previous story) "AH-HA! It was I all along!" he said to our shocked protagonists. "NOOOOOOOOO! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" they all said in unison. One of them dropped dead, dead as a dead. And the one that died was... WYVERN! They buried him in a shallow grave on the edge of the Pasta Plate Planet and payed their respects, then returned to the ship to resume their confrontation with Evil Rice. Suddenly, one of the dragonborns gave birth to a fully grown metrocop. "Anti-citizen spotted. 11-19!" he said in reference to Rice. The dragonborn, Purplest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes, hugged his son in joy as he was neglected for most of his story. "What do you want, Rice?" asked Dragonman. "It's quite simple, Dragonman. You see, I was able to survive the destruction of my universe, and after I left, I found that I was the only Evil Rice in the Antfarm. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" he bellowed. "SO! I have embarked on a journey of conquest, so that all things will be RICE!" "You're insane if you think I'll let you get away with this, Evil Rice." said Dragonman. "Oh how cute, the mortal thinks he can stop me! What are you going to do, throw boomarangs shaped like dragons at me?" "Not quite. You see, I knew it was you the entire time, so I made sure we arrived in this particular universe for our confrontation. Here's why." Dragonman then snapped his fingers, and suddenly the Pasta Plate Planet lunged at the ship, shrinking and morphing as it did so and depositing it's inhabitants onboard. It then completed it's transformation, and stood before Evil Rice. "Now you see, Evil Rice. This was my master plan. The Pasta Plate Planet is, in fact, Good Rice in disguise!" The metrocop stared in amazement as these events unfolded before his eyes. Though it hurt his little Combine brain, as he was just born a few seconds ago. His brain was still forming. Evil Rice screamed in confusion, before he cackled like a maniac. "You're so predictable! I predicted this and swapped the spaghetti with a fake spaghetti! He's actually my minion! Muahahaha!" he said, as Fake Rice drew a lightsaber and stood by his master. Orangest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes moved his son away from the monster before them, explaining that it wasn't safe there. Meanwhile, the Lore Crusaders had awakened from their pasta-induced stupor. They looked around for a moment and spotted the Evil and Fake Rices, sensing they were not lore-friendly... At the same time, Dragonman spoke again, unfazed by this deception. "And I predicted you would predict my plan, so I made sure to get "rescued" by the Lore Crusaders so that I could bring them here. So go ahead and try to stop them." He stood back, and the Lore Crusaders swarmed the two Rices, ready to kick some non-lore-friendly a$$. However, time slowed down. Orangest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes's time, that is. He appeared in a strange land, a land from his past. It was filled with rootbeer oceans and candy cane trees. A green smoke appeared, a strange man with a blue suit and briefcase appearing. "Orangest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes in the f-flesh... The borderworld, the Antfarm, is in our control. Thanks to you. I admire your work, Mr. Orangest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes. I have... spoken with my employers. They have authorized me to offer you a job...They agree with me that you have limitlessssssss.... girth." Time went back to pace, but Orangest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes was gone. SUBJECT: Orangest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes STATUS: HIRED The metrocop looked around franticaly for his now missing father. He screamed out in sadness, and fell to his slightly orange knees. At that moment, a portal to the past opened beneath him, and the metrocop fell in, horrified by what what had just happened. Over the years, the metrocop grew up to become a seemingly emotionless shell of his former self, no longer able to find happiness in his life. One day, a small dragon led him to a huge cave beneath High Hrothgar, with a large carving of a dragon on the wall, and a suit of armor, fashioned after such a dragon. On that day, the metrocop realized his destiny, and donned the armor to become... "DRAGONMAN?!" said BDG, now noticing that Dragonman's knees are indeed slightly orange. "So that's how you knew about all this? You're Orangest's son sent back in time?" "And now you know the truth. I am the metrocop, here to avenge his father!" proclaimed Dragonman. Comma frowned. "But Rice didn't kill Orangest." "I know. But I'll find out what really happened to him one day." replied Dragonman. In the confusion, Evil Rice and his apprentice had fled, but not before setting a bomb in the ship. With the threat of Evil Rice away for the time being, our protagonists could once again resume their multiversal travels to the exit of the Antfarm. The Lore Crusaders piloted the ship out of the universe through a tear in the fabric of reality, and proceeded to dump the bomb out the airlock and back into the universe, where it destroyed said universe upon detonation. And so with all that out of the way, our heros continued on their journey. Beep.... Beep... Boppo.... WAKE UP With that, Comma the Spiderborn awoke with a jolt. After frantically looking around in worry, he realizes that had just been his wake-up alarm. Calming down, Comma gets down from his bed-web, and gets dressed. Looking at the time, he see's that it's been just a little over 20 hours since the Combine invasion of the Antfarm. Comma sighed. He had hoped that was just a dream, but no, it would seem not. He then leaves his room and makes his way to the mess hall of the Lore Crusader's ship, reflecting on the last day on his way there. Upon arrival... He found a bunch of Putins, called the Council of Outins Putin's from Earth-420, were playing golf. So Comma snuck around them to get the the fridge, where he took some leftover fly-paste sandwiches to eat. He returned to his quarters and fashioned a table out of webbing. As he was sitting down, ready to eat, the door buzzed, indicating that someone was outside. "Come in." he said. The door opened, and in stepped Purplest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes. In the confusion of the previous day's events, he had been mistaken by his own creator for Orangest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes, and thus was absent for much of the day. "Hello, Comma." said Purplest. "Good morning, Purplest." replied Comma. He motioned for him to sit down, and the two shared the sandwiches, which to Comma's surprise, Purplest actually enjoyed eating. Comma decided to read a book. "Shrek becomes a high profile meat producer in Far Far Away, selling ground slugs to the land and getting fat stacks. Shrek's kids get killed when Shrek accidentally drops them into the giant meat grinder he was building in his swamp. Shrek doesn't find out, and cooks a burger with their flesh and then realizes when he notices that the burger is green. He becomes depressed and blames himself for it, and becomes a vigilante who throws criminals in the meat grinder and sells their flesh to various markets and trading stalls. A great evil is awakened, and only the meth cooking Donkey and vigilante Shrek can defeat Sexual Offenderman from smacking the Queen of Agrabah and starting World War 3. Part of the film involves the dynamic duo invading North Korea, filled with cartoony gore as they shoot their way through the Korean People's Army and kidnap Kim, throwing him in the meat grinder. Contains a saucy sexytimes scene when Shrek receives a spanking from Black Cat, Catwoman, Mermaid Man, Gordon Ramsay, Shrek's clone, that one anime frog girl, and Officer Carl from Rusty Rivets.", the book read. The Book was Authored by none other than Vladimir Putin. And his name was in bold at the bottom. This inspired Comma to become a chef. But at Comma's Cooking School, to her surprise, her teachers were none other Than Vladimir Putin and Gordan Ramsey. Preparing Bear Wellington for Rick Harrison and his son, Big Hoss. Comma was confused. Since when was he a woman? Who the hell is Gordan Ramsey? Is that a Vietnamese knockoff of Gordon Ramsay? At that moment, Comma woke up with a start and their head in their food. Comma had dozed off while Purplest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes was talking, and had forgotton which gender they were. Comma then received a message from their creator, telling them that they had intended for Comma to be female, but they were willing to have it go either way. To decide once and for all, Comma flipped a coin, if it landed on heads they would be female, if tails it would be male. The coin landed on its side. Comma was now an apache attack helicopter, whatever that means. AND SO IT IS WRITTEN! The pivotal decision was made, to be remembered in hushed whispers for a whole few minutes, to be forgotten after a few minutes when the creators grow distracted! ...Yeah, sounds about right. It has now been 2 days since the decision was made, and Comma is not happy about their decision. They and the other Dragonborns had thus stolen one of the Lore Crusader's ships in order to find a world where they could determine whether Comma was a male Spiderborn or a female Spiderborn. Today, they have arrived in a very strange reality indeed. As Purplest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes, Comma, BDG, and Dragonman stood outside this world's Whiterun, they read a large sign on the main gate: Welcome to Whiterun! Where we're so capitalist we read advertisments for entertainment! It was inhabited by buisness men, clones of Sheev Palpatine, and had Cave Johnson as jarl. And Palpatine told Comma to "DO IT!" to build a iron Dagger for him. He did so. Dragonman went over to Comma and gave them a slap to the face so as to knock them out of Sheev's mind control. He then slapped Sheev, knocking him down a well. This got the attention of a very peculiar businessman indeed, who rolled up to Dragonman and the other Dragonborns in a large, black, and shiny vehicle. The man stepped out of the vehicle and pointed at the group. "YOU! I want to market you!" So they ran away and found themselves in a cave with.... Caveman Obama ants that had VERY bad colds. Tiny sneezes could be heard throughout the cave, and the heroes soon found themselves sneezing aswell. "I- um- eh- WHAT?!" exclaimed the businessman. Not even he knew how to respond to this situation. However, Comma had an idea. They threw the businessman into the colony of caveman Obama ants as a distraction, then used their Spiderborn powers to create a strong, rope-like web to let the team climb out of the cave through a hole in the ceiling. When they emerged from the hole, they found themselves in... Germany, an ancient continent dotted with various abandoned Death Stars. It was also Russia at the same time via a Russianiajannananomaly anomaly. *note: many of my comments from here on out are lost and unquoted, so prepare yourself for gaps* "Wait, I thought we were in Russia?" said BDG. BDG yelped and Shouted at the historian, as she had had a really bad experience with KFC in the past. The historian was sent hurtling down endless hallways, never to be seen again. After regaining her composure, BDG says "So the people who built this place are like the Dwemer of this world?" and the group begin to wander down random hallways, hoping to find a way out. They soon found various inactive, rusty KX-series security droids, covered in and out with dust from their lack of maintenance. There were also what looked to be deceased soldiers, who wore various issues of armor (usually white or black with glowing blue plates). They discovered that these soldiers were usually some kind of training robot after looting their armor. The Death Star was mainly devoid of life, save for a skeever or two and that damned mouse droid. At that point, Purplest realized that it was possible that the mouse droids knew the layout of the Death Star and had a map or schematic of the structure encoded into them. If they could hack into one of them (Dragonman had learned how to hack technology in the last reality they visited) then they might be able to find a way out of the megastructure. To this end, the team put together a trap for one of the mouse droids and waited for one to come by. After a few minutes, a mouse droid came and investigated the cheese. Comma quickly dropped the helmet on the droid, disorienting it and allowing Dragonman to come in and disable it's wheels so it couldn't go anywhere. Now that they had the droid, Dragonman took out a device from his inventory and opened the droid's control panel, allowing him to hack in. Searching through it's files, he found... Various files, including thousands of pictures and folders of a naked Obama. Dragonman downloaded the plans to the station, as well as the various schematics also stored on the droid. He also downloaded the tomes and the history book, while choosing to simply delete the thirty thousand PNGs and the thirty gigabyte folder. Now that he had everything they needed, Dragonman repairs the droid's wheels and sends it on it's way. The group gather around their comrade as he pulls up the schematics of the Death Star, and they begin looking for a way out. As they do, however, Comma notices something odd about the cheese: It's not real cheese, but is instead filled with some kind of rice...? Then the universe implodes. But then the Doctor stops this from happening with his plot box and plot stick. BDG knocks out the Doctor, steals his plot equipment, and then the group begin making their way to a nearby hangar bay, from which they should be able to exit the station. Then the doctor's head explodes and his corpse is destroyed before he can regenerate, and he then burns in the fires of hell witch he came. The universe continues to implode. And this time it has a temperal "don't touch me fucker" forcefield around it. And a clone of the Doctor stops this from happening with his plot genius, and this is the Doctor who was knocked out. Then the time plauge comes, and kills all being who can mess with time and space. Except this didn't happen now. this happend before anyone could stop it, it happened in the past. The univerese then procedes to implode. The 11th Doctor from Earth-420 steps in and stops this before returning to his multiverse, and the gang find themselves in the hangar. Where they find a chrome-plated Lambda-class transport. The group agreed that they should take it. Dragonman quickly figures out the controls, and the group leave the station in their new ship. As they set a course for Whiterun to retreive their old ship (as this shuttle can't travel between universes), Purplest looks out the window to see Russia far below them. They see the various Death Stars dotted around the country, along with the KFCs located on every corner. It looked pretty, with it's villages and cities plated with gold. "Can we keep this ship in the hangar of our old one? It's got some cool board games in here." Comma asked, trying to figure out how pazaak works. "I don't see why not." says Dragonman. After a few more hours of flying and playing Pazaak, the group arrive back in Whiterun Hold and spot their ship parked in the field. They find that a couple of rogue KFC employees were banging it up with steel pipes and spray painting dicks on it. The shuttle pulls up next to the employees and BDG leans out the window to yell at them. "HEY! That's OUR ship! Screw off!" The KFC employees stick their tongues out to him. In pure rage, BDG turns them to dust with his mind. Suddenly, a loud "YOL" is heard in the distance, and the camera pans back to our current group of Dragonborns, who are cleaning off the KFC employees from their ship. Dragonman then docks the shuttle in the hangar bay and the group head to their ship's bridge to finally leave this reality and go to the next. The ship flys off into the multiverse in search of their next destination, while "So Long and Thanks For All The Fish" plays in the background. Catchup Emerald wrote THE CURRENT DRAGONBORNS Purplest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes, Dragonborn of Nirn-1781911120. His head, shoulders, knees, and toes are a bright purple tone. He is good friends with Comma. Comma the Spiderborn, Dragonborn of Nirn-70336. Instead of dragons, Nirn-70336 has giant flying spiders, and as such instead of a Dragonborn, there is a Spiderborn. Currently attempting to determine what gender they really are. Dragonman, Dragonborn of Nirn-2120. Basically Batman, but with dragons and not bats. He is the son of another Dragonborn named Orangest-Head-Shoulders-Knees-And-Toes from the future. He's also quite adept at using modern technology. BDG, Dragonborn of Nirn-1. Is the only Dragonborn on the team who has appeared in the Story of Bizarre Brilliance before. She often uses cartoon physics/logic and is kind of like the Deadpool of the team, just without invulnerability and 4th-Wall Breaking. THE STORY SO FAR A Combine invasion force invaded the Antfarm (the multiverse the Story of Bizarre Brilliance takes place in) and began conquering/destroying every universe they could find. The Lore Crusaders, the lore-keeping force of the Antfarm, was unable to fight them, and so had to disperse into the vastness of the void between realities. One of the remaining cells of the Crusaders decided to try and leave the Antfarm, as there was no hope of fighting back the Combine. During their journey, the cell picked up five alternate Dragonborns, Purplest, Orangest, Comma, Dragonman, and BDG. On this journey, they stopped in a universe where Nirn was some kind of giant Pasta Plate Planet, where the Crusaders were lured to and trapped. The Dragonborns hatched a plan to get them back, but this lead to a series of events which resulted in a wormhole opening in the Lore Crusader's ship, and out came a being known as Evil Rice, the antagonist of a previous Story. He planned to make all things in every reality Rice, but Dragonman, apparently knowing this would happen beforehand, revealed that the Pasta Plate Planet was in fact the real Good Rice in disguise. But Evil Rice anticipated that and revealed that "Good" Rice was really his servant. But Dragonman anticipated THAT and unleashed the Lore Crusaders, who had now escaped, onto the two Rices. Prior to this battle, however, Orangest had given birth to a Metrocop (don't ask) and had begun backing him away from the chaos. However, the G-Man teleported him away, recruiting him for some unknown cause. The Metrocop then fell into a portal to the past, where he grew up and eventually became Dragonman. After this revelation, the two Rices escaped and fled, as they could not defeat the Lore Crusaders. The Dragonborns and the Crusaders then returned to the Crusader Fleet, where they continued to travel through the Antfarm. At this point, Comma falls asleep and forgets what gender they are, so the remaining Dragonborns steal a Crusader ship and depart from the fleet. Two days later they arrive in a highly capitalistic Whiterun, where a clone of Sheev Palpatine teleports them to a cave filled with caveman Obama ants. (again, don't ask) The group climb out of the cave to find themselves in a Death Star in that world's Russia, and there they find various schematics and a chrome Lambda-class shuttle, which they take and return to Whiterun with, along with a considerable amount of food from the battlestation. They find rogue KFC employees messing with their ship, and promptly burn them to crisps. They then depart that world with their new shuttle in the ship's hangar, where their Mr. Handy robot Jimbo has to clean everything with a toothbrush. Two soldiers, a Phase Zero darktrooper and an AT-AT pilot suddenly fall out of the shuttle, and Jimbo takes them to the ship's bedrooms, while also alerting the Dragonborns to the presence of these accidental stowaways. IN CONCLUSION That should be enough to sufficently catch everyone up Hyperlaster, continued The ship is called the HMSS (His/Her Majesty's Space Ship) HyperBlaster. (I am unbanned, so my comments are now showing up) But HyperBlaster had on it a single piece of dust that questioned the name of the ship. How did this become a British ship? But HyperBlaster had on it a single piece of dust that questioned the name of the ship. How did this become a British ship? This piece of dust happened to be a communist spy who wishes to drown the ship in peanut oil. Category:Blog posts